Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

good work, everybody

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.

ㅤ

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck