Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

“i miss shittin on people”

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

🤣

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?