“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
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Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.