Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Friend: What’s it like having kids?

Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?

Scream sneezers need love too.

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

Did…did a minotaur write this

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

dude it’s called proctologist