Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

me in a relationship:

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*