HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.