If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
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When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.