Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

A ghost story

translated into Canadian

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.