Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
![]()
You Might Also Like
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
She puts the hot in psychotic
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
normalize having existential bread
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
![]()
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous