Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I have never related to a cat more
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.