Human are so complicated
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it