Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
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Oh we’ve met.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
A classic…
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute