Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

spot the difference

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough