Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

Knuckle tats:

(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)

(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

hacker: got them. all the social security numbers

boss: good work

[later getting back from the bank]

boss: ok apparently we need names too

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table

Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower