Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Me on my way to annoy my favorite person

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.