HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
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😅😅😅
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Thank heavens for community notes
