Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
You Might Also Like
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
🤣dope
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show