Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
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Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.