Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The days of good grammer has went
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.