Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene

marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board