Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣