I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
We decided to have money instead of children.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd