Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley