Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

Daughter: I love you mommy

Me: I love you!

Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.

Me: Cool cool cool.

Me muttering: ungrateful little…

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Them: how old are you

Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.