Human stupidity exists because, if everyone were smart, we’d have no one to laugh at on the internet.
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[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.