Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

How do horror writers compete with current events?

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

brain: wake up

me: it’s 1:15 am

brain: pick up your phone

me: fine just for a minute

brain: lmao ok

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.