Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no such thing as a dumb question

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.

The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK