Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
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Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.
I’m having an out of money experience.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?