Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
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I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate