Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
You Might Also Like
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight