Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.