Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

Talk about a bad egg

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Direct deposit: $1400

Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

*During sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down