Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND![]()
You Might Also Like
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
![]()
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
My wife had a dream that I have a secret second wife named Linda. Now when she’s mad at me I just say “Linda wouldn’t get mad about that.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
![]()
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
![]()
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.