Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
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*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.