Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

need a new bf mines broken 😐

*Unexpected item in the bagging area*

Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.

I jiggled the change in my pocket.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat mate.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”

oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone

Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table

Cat: You aren’t my real father

Me: What?

Cat: Meow?

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

I’m the neighbor

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.