[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
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Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.