Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.