Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
How software testing works
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit