Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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catch me on valentine’s day like
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off