Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

[exotic fish store]

AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

can’t talk my ride’s here

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.

[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?

wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.