Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Maths meets science
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!