Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately

What I say: No!

What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.