Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
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I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem