Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

*names my little horse OneTrick*

Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.

Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Friday

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.