Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.