Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
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Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
OH. COME. ON.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Customer is always right
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
8: I wrote my list for Santa
Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?
8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?
Me: perfect
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit