Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
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I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing