Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.