Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Whoa 😂
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids