Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Me buying fruit and veg
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Always this one for me forever
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir