Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.

Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’

Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.