Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
me: *feels an emotion*
also me: who in the hell authorized this?!
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Look at this
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
One time I want to see the lion reunited with his former human,
but he goes full lion
all bases covered
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.