Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Bill is short for Billiam

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?

GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.

BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.

GF: [eyes narrow]

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow