humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
*Inspirational Tweets*
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”