humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.