humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Planning a wild goose chase if anyone wants anything
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays