Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

This guy’s not having it 😆

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.