HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
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did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick