Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
courtroom exchange of the day
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.