Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.