Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
You Might Also Like
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.