Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an out of money experience.

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.

Universe: Humble her.

i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.

I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.

The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate