@RonDanChan

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

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@UncleDuke1969

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

@Book_Krazy

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

@DrakeGatsby

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

@000___000

“daddy why did the moon turn red?”
“because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie”

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@devondaigle9

A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back

@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@hythemafia

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die