*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
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Me: Watcha got there?
Me: What kind?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“daddy why did the moon turn red?”
“because god is flooding it with the blood of all the children who ask too many questions sweetie”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die