humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“eat what’s in season” the health people said
Me:
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes