Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

I’M CRYINGGG

Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-