humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”