Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

I think this cat is broken

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.